I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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