I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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