After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
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