I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Church boner. Awkwardddd
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
you never un-have a 4some
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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