I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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