I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
