he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I smell like Dick and happiness
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
