you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
