i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
