then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize