Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
