I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
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