so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
