Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
