A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
