I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
