Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
