matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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