Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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