You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
