Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize