Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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