Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize