either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
