Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize