I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
he fucked my hip out of place.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
