I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
