I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
