don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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