Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
