I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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