so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
