His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
