I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
he quoted the bible to break up with me
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
