you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
