Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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