i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
