So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
