someone threw a dead crab at me
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
