I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
