I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
