Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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