your parents love me but you hate me
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
