I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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