Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
