State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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