I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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