I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize