At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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