can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
