whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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