i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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