Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
