I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I feel great
I just peed on a car
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize