the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
