i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
