I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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