his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
