You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
