My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
