how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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