just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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