Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
