fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
