I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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