I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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