The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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